Reminiscing

This past week, for some reason, my daughters have been looking at the past, at least one of them with some sense of fondness. Both are bloggers. One of them maybe got the thing started with a characteristically oblique post followed by the other with a more eloquent offering.

The house in the 50's

Their posts revolve around our old house. Both of them posted the same picture from an era well before the time that we lived in it. It was a big old farm-house, home for our family for eighteen years. Our youngest daughter was born there. The other two children may have vague memories of other places, but this house would have figured largely in their lives. It was home.

When we moved in it was livable for a family that was trying to start a farm life and  willing to put up with less to make that happen, but really, it was a mess. The windows throughout the house were in bad condition. The frame addition that housed the kitchen and bathroom was sided with rotting painted particle board. There was little insulation. The oil bill was high and we actually did not heat most of the house. A wood stove in the kitchen kept us warm during the day, blankets did the job at night.

As we left it

Over the years we did renovate and fix. If we were doing it today we’d likely have a renovation blog. As it is, there are virtually no before and after pictures and those  there are only happened because we were taking a picture of somebody. There were no digital cameras back then and film was too expensive to waste on remembering what we wanted to get rid of. The house was entirely gutted in three stages over about eight years. A new kitchen and bathroom were installed. All the windows were replaced. The particle board was covered with siding. Two new porches were built. We put on a new roof. The carpets were pulled out and the wood floors underneath were sanded and refinished. A new wood stove, furnace and water heater were installed. Heating bills went down. We started to use the whole house.

It was more than just a house

At the same time, we built barns and sheds and a silo. We built a life and a business. It was a business that allowed us to work together as a family (code for child labour). While money was always an issue since there were more ways to use it than places for it to come from, this time in our life was a good one. We raised our family, we learned together, we dreamed together.

But, life moves on. Life throws curve balls that are unexpected, that change the direction that you think you are supposed to go. So we moved on. We were blessed in that moving as well. Somehow God gets the message through that its time for the next step.

There are things about that time and place that I miss. They are not the same things that my kids may reminisce about. I miss the dreaming, the sense of possibility, the sense of working with, or against nature, and succeeding. The sense that next year would be the one when things would come together. I miss the order of the seasons and the work plan that they wrote. I miss the common cause that J and I once had, every day, on almost every front.

But, I don’t really miss the house.

Genesis 12:1-3

So…a Mexican, a Korean, and a Canadian are at a Canadian Bible study…..

The title of this post was my reality this past week. I’m not going to say too much about the Canadian Bible Study other than the fact that I brought one book home to finish. Some people think I should have brought more since the books are cheaper in the US.

I was in Grand Rapids visiting Calvin Seminary and some Christian Reformed Church highlights. It was a week of meetings, classes, psychologist visits, and orientation. The week was full, and while initially it seemed to just be a hurdle to be jumped, it turned out to be good.

There are eight people in the pilot program that I am part of. Four of us were able to come to GR this past week. We came from all over the map (El Paso TX, Fullerton CA, Seattle WA, and Lucknow ON). We represented a wide slice of CRC demographic (Mexican/American, Korean/American, Canadian, American Woman). We had fun together, prayed together, shared our hopes and dreams with each other. We became friends.

We experienced, I think, some of the same sort of communitas that we found on the Camino. A common goal and common struggle leads quickly to caring for each other.

Our group along with our CRC coordinator.

We also got to meet the Resident EPMC’s. These are folks who will attend Calvin seminary and do, in thirteen weeks, what we will do over 24 months. This year there are more EPMC’s than ever. Fourteen residents and eight in the pilot program. I have the dubious honour of being the oldest person in the group.

Us three guys lived together for the week in a condo owned by Christian Reformed World Missions. Thus the line…a Mexican, a Korean, and a Canadian are at a Canadian Bible study…..

Sitting in the Calgary Airport

So I’m stretching my Easter Sunday.  This year it will be 26 hours long and I think I will be tired by the end of it. The entire weekend has been busy with more work done on the youngest daughter’s dusty house. This weekend they moved in.

Now I’m sitting at the Calgary airport on my way to Edmonton to do a couple of days of training for my primary consulting client. I’ll be back home on Wednesday evening.

I sometimes feel like I lead a sort of a double life.  Almost schizophrenic. I spend a lot of time thinking about God things, theology, Biblical studies, seminary, church, oh, and don’t forget Hebrew, and then I need to be able to change gears and focus on some activities and skills that I have that can help to pay the bills.  I am actually very fortunate that the skills that I have are unique enough to be of considerable value to those who hire me. Hopefully that will continue, at least through to the end of the MDiv program, and maybe even beyond as we continue to struggle to see the end of this journey that I am on with my best friend.  Today, we got another glimpse of what could be, with a job posting in our church bulletin.  The posting was a position that I have sometimes talked about being “right” for us.  Unfortunately, the time is wrong.

So….we travel on.  I spent much of the 4 hour flight working on Hebrew.  I should have another 100 words by Thursday and be able to do some fancy things with verbs.

שלום

So…Are you keeping busy?

I went to the co-op this afternoon to get gas in the car and bird seed for our feathered friends.  While pumping my gas, the fellow at the next pump asks that totally pain in the backside question ‘What are you keeping busy with?”.  This question gets harder to answer without getting into long explanations that begin to feel more and more self-serving. So, I answer, “No trouble keeping me busy!”.  Where upon he goes on to ask me about the events he imagines I have been busy with, which I haven’t.

I’ve written about identity here in the past and it does continue to be an issue.  Part of the issue is just describing to others who I am today. Guys tend to wrap a lot of their identity up in their careers and want to be able to peg a person in those terms.  The question I ask myself is “What am I in those terms?” At times I will tell folks that I am a full-time student which is true.  From the looks I get, I can tell that they don’t quite buy it.  Following the look, I will sometimes add that I also run a consulting company specializing in sheep and goat nutrition which doesn’t fit at all with the first thing I told them.  I may mention the fact that I am an itinerant preacher, which they can understand but leads to the inevitable question about being a pastor.  Sometimes, I just tell people I am retired and leave it at that.

Why is it that people don’t ask thoughtful questions about ideas, maybe my health and family?  Why is our society so focused on busyness as a measure of value? Is that ’What are you keeping busy with?” just a polite greeting or an entrance/invitation into deeper conversation.

When I went into the co-op to get the bird seed, one of our old neighbors was there as well picking up some calving supplies.  Her question: ’What are you keeping busy with?”

License to Exhort

Our active summer is coming close to its end and I am beginning to look at what is ahead in September.

One of the key upcoming events is the Fall meeting of Classis Huron at which I will be examined for a License to Exhort. The examination is in three parts.

First, I need to present a 10-20 minute exhortation,  then for 20 minutes I am to be examined on my biblical and theological knowledge followed by a practica exam which will look at my life etc.  All of this takes place in front of the full body of the classis meeting.  I need to meet with my examiners sometime in the next 2 or three weeks.

What is this “license” about anyway and why would anyone go to the trouble of acquiring such a thing?

Church Order of the CRCNA states the following: The classis may grant the right to exhort within its bounds to persons who are gifted, well informed, consecrated, and able to edify the churches. When the need for their services has been established, the classis shall examine such persons and license them as exhorters for a limited period of time.  CRCNA Church Order Article 43.

There is some debate about what exhorting is in comparison to preaching.  One online community debated the issue and came up with this distinction:  Al Martin pointed out that the difference is the ability to do exegesis. An exhorter may faithfully use the good work of other men, rely on their exegesis, and then put it together with his own thoughts, illustrations and applications and proclaim it to the people. The Preacher’s job, in fact preaching in general is all of those things, while having the preacher do the work of exegesis on his own. By the end of the debate the group seemed to have concluded that the difference is more an artificial one meant to separate those who are ordained from those who aren’t.

So why would anyone pursue this licensure?  Good question really.  The pay is lousy ($80 for a service plus mileage). You make yourself very vulnerable, both during the process and in leading worship services.  The function takes away from your Sunday with your family and church home.  It is a lot of work to do a good job of leading worship and presenting God’s word.

And yet, when I have had the privilege of leading the service in our own church, it has been a wonderful and uplifting experience.  At the end it has been worth the work and I come away with a pleasant exhaustion a sense of doing what I was supposed to do.

The License is part of the journey that also includes the MDiv work and the life changes that have happened in the past months.

All part of a trip whose destination is still unclear.

The journey is flat, some hills ahead

The weeks of summer seem to have taken on a quiet, relaxing, even peaceful feeling.  Nothing feels high pressure.  There is no particular focus either.

It’s not that I sat around doing nothing this week.  The yard has never looked better.  The water damage to the driveway has been repaired.  About three cords of firewood is cut and stacked in the bush for the winter of 2011.  I worked a day and a half on Threefold Consulting  and got the billing and month end statements done (with J’s help).  My last elder’s meeting happened and a meeting to plan the updated web page for the church.  The camping trailer is out of storage and the broken vent repaired.  We put something over 100km on the bikes.  A potluck was attended and fireworks were enjoyed with friends.

The pressure is gone.  The finger-pointing, the demands for action plans to solve the  unsolvable , the constant push to perform and to squeeze performance out of others (or else) is happily gone from the scene.  I can revel in what I do accomplish and finish and at the end of the day be  satisfied that it was enough.

Goals are important and a certain amount of pressure in life is likely healthy.  Those will be part of life again, I am sure.  I think that when the goals are mine and the pressure comes from inside me rather than from outside sources, dealing with the pressures and reaching (or not) the goals is a lot more satisfying.

This week the academic committee at WLS dealt with my petition to switch from the MTS program to MDiv.  It was approved.  My name was quickly passed on to the Dean of Chapel.  I guess there are more responsibilities with this program than just showing up for class.  Something about worship planning and a rota.

Have I mentioned the License to Exhort?  Our denomination likes to vet on those lay preachers who preach in their pulpits to when the regular minister is away or the church is vacant.  This is done on the classis level and involves preaching on an assigned text at a classis meeting and being examined on biblical knowledge and theology in front of the meeting.  I have considered trying to go through this process for a number of years.  Now the time seemed right.  I will be examined on September 15 2010.  To date I have not been assigned a text.  This could become a source of some stress over the next couple of months.  It’s not that I am concerned about my ability to speak in front of a group of my peers, but to speak in front of a group of 20 ministers who are listening critically, looking for miss steps is something else.

Likely more about that topic as the day gets closer.

The journey right now is a little flat, but I can see a few hills coming.

Identity Loss

This week it feels like my identity is bleeding away.

You have to realize that us guys get a lot of our identity from our jobs, the things we do.  One of the questions that will be asked shortly after two guys meet for the first time is “So, what do you do” or “Where do you work”.  We judge each other based on the perceived importance of our positions.

Wednesday was my last day as an employee of a national livestock feed company.  I had worked there for the past two years.  Prior to that, I worked for a division of the largest livestock feed company in North America which was sold to my last employer.  In both cases, I held senior management roles.  Even though I did not particularly enjoy my job and had difficulties with the values of my last employer, my image, and identity were strongly intact.  I was an important guy there.

Yesterday was my last day as an elder in our church.  Our denomination has a policy that rotates the leadership of our churches, normally on a three-year basis.  We had some tough things happen in our past that got in the road of the norm and I ended up serving nearly four years.  Those years were challenging and rewarding.  God has blessed our congregation, and I have been blessed as well.  I was proud to identify myself as one of the leaders of this church, but that to is over.

Driving home from church yesterday, I felt like I had lost something and I felt a little lost as well.  I know that new things are coming, and I am excited about those, but, my old identity and the major parts of my life that made up that identity were a little like a comfortable shoe.  I could walk through the world knowing who I was and knowing how to act in that role.

I also know that those two things aren’t the full story of who I am, but they have left a pretty big hole now that they are gone.

Of Travelling and Journeys

Many of you know that J and I just returned from a long trip on our bicycles (long for us anyway).  Some of you were even following us as we made our way to Pelee Island and back again.  I’m not going to rehash the trip here.  You can go to the other blog for that,  but the trip has spawned some thoughts about life, direction, and calling.

Pelee Island Lighthouse

Before we left, a friend suggested that it’s the journey that’s important not the destination.  If this trip had been about the destination, we would have been disappointed.  Our destination was Pelee Island.  We were somewhat disappointed with what we found there.  Rather than being the out-of-the-way tourist destination that we had expected we found a remote place with poor services (groceries) and even worse roads.  If we had decided to spend more than one day on the island, it would have been too much.

The trip however was not about Pelee Island.  It was about taking a break from the busyness of life, spending time with my best friend, seeing a part of Ontario that we were not familiar with, and doing it in an inexpensive, environmentally friendly way.  It was about interacting with people, experiencing new things and sharing that experience with others.

The changes in direction in my life are also not about the destination.  Yesterday it happened again.  In our community it seems to be a big thing that these changes are happening.  Within five minutes, while I was getting diesel fuel at the co-op, two different and unrelated folks came to me with: “I hear you’re not in the feed business anymore….So what are you studying?……You plan to be a minister then?  Each time I explain that, no, I might not be a minister then. ….I really don’t know what this is going to be at the end…..It’s about the journey.

I almost feel like I should apologize to all the young people I have counselled to go off to school to learn about the thing they love rather than about a career.  The career thing is much easier for the general public.

But, I won’t…

JOSEPH CAMPBELL wrote: All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time – namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.

A Redefinition of Direction

This blog started out as the story of my journey through seminary.  It has changed somewhat over the 11 months that it has been around to be about that, as well as the rest of life that is all part of the journey.  A journey it has been.

A year ago I decided to put my toe in the water to see if going back to school was something that I could/should do.  I had felt something of a calling to deepen my knowledge of God, salvation, theology, so I chose to go to a seminary.  Since at that point, I did not feel a strong call to pastoral ministry (although some feel that is the direction I should go) and since I was working full-time, I decided to enroll in a Master of Theological Studies program which required 16 credits rather than the longer MDiv program.

I had no real goal for this education other than to broaden my knowledge and understanding.  Most of the students in the MTS program at WLS are taking the counseling concentration for which this school is known.  I don’t see myself as ending up as a counselor either, but don’t really know enough about it to make that decision.  I wondered a bit if maybe I was cheating myself by not taking the MDiv instead.

The world has changed in a year.  I have found that I can do the school work, very well in fact, and that I enjoy it.  I have quit my full-time job and started a part-time consulting company, so that going to school closer to full-time is now an option.

On top of all that, WLS has changed their MDiv program.  Gone is the requirement for languages (Hebrew of Greek).  Gone also is the requirement that endorsement from the denominational candidacy committee was required for acceptance to the program (not sure the CRC would have provided that).  They have also introduced a non-contextual MDiv which allows you to get the degree without the internship or the 12 weeks of SPE (Supervised Pastoral Education).  These last two are likely good things which could be added back in at a later date.

Long story short…I looks like I will transfer to the MDiv program in the fall and I will continue my wandering journey.

Someone said the other day, in an entirely different context, “It’s the journey that’s important, not the destination”

The Calm…..

After nearly ten years of frenzied activity, I can see the end and feel a bit of the calm.  Yesterday was pretty busy with four hours of driving to an all day meeting.  This is a meeting at which I normally would have made a presentation to launch a promotion or discuss a new sales strategy.  This time I built the presentation during the meeting and someone else presented it.  I usually add crowd pleasing pictures like this one, but, he did not want any of that.  It’s just not him (or most of the rest of the company for that matter). So I made it to match him.

Today is the Friday before a long weekend with only five days of full-time employment remaining.  I have a bunch of jobs to do and will try to get a few things off the list, but the frenzy seems to be gone.

I am moving to the sidelines watching the river run by and only swimming in it when I want to.

One of the fellows that reported to me gave me a book yesterday about Sabbath rest.  He and I have shared our Christian walk a little bit over the years.  The book has me thinking about priorities…mine or His.

Back to that same question about calling.  I’ll think about it while things are quiet.